no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
