I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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