I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
