Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
Randomize
