I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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