dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
i think i just lost a toe
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Randomize
