We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Randomize
