Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
