I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
