My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Randomize
