Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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