I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
