I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
