Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
mondays should just be called national damage control day
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
