If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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