I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
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