My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
