Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
