Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
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