I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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