Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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