Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
