My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
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