Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
