Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
