My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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