You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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