now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
