i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Success! We fucked roommates!
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
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