hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
Randomize
