I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
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