Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
