"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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