I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Randomize
