mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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