My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
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