I wanna passion pit in your ass
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Randomize
