i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
