i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
