I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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