One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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