Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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