i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
