you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
