i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
