the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
