The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
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