Don't EVER smell your tampon
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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