foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Randomize
