He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Randomize
