im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
