When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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