i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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