My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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